When Rachel Bertsche first moves to Chicago, she’s thrilled to finally share a zip code with her boyfriend. But shortly after getting married, she realizes that her new life is missing one thing: friends. Sure, she has plenty of BFFs—in New York and San Francisco and Boston and Washington, D.C. Still, in her adopted hometown, there’s no one to call at the last minute for girl talk over brunch or a reality-TV marathon over a bottle of wine. Taking matters into her own hands, Bertsche develops a plan: Meeting people everywhere from improv class to friend rental websites, she'll go on fifty-two friend-dates, one per week for a year, in hopes of meeting her new Best Friend Forever.
I felt an uncanny connection to MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. Not just because I graduated from NU the same year as the author (I suspect we have some mutual friends), among other on-paper similarities, but because I've sometimes felt a lack of local close friends since moving to NYC. Rachel Bertsche posits a "second city" problem with post-collegiate friend-making, and I think she's on to something. In my first post-college city, Chicago, I met lots of similarly-aged people through my entry-level job, had a slew of college friends in the area, and my sister was close by. When I moved to NYC with my now-husband, it got a lot harder to meet new people and make new friends. People are busy . . . and so was/am I. (There is nothing like grad school to suck the socialization right out of you.) Plus, I've learned that the downside to friendship in your twenties is that people have a tendency to move away for work/love/the suburbs/grad school/etc. This seems especially true in NYC. I have a full life and a great relationship, and I talk to my out-of-state friends and family all the time. I'm certainly far from friendless, and that includes locally. Still, occasionally I miss having a friend I can call at 4:13 on a Sunday and say, "Wanna go for an aimless walk with me?"
That said, I don't think I'm in the market for a new "BFF" the way I used to define it--an inseparable, we-hang-out-every-day-and-talk-on-the-phone-too friend. Friendship needs evolve as we grow up and into different stages of life. Bertsche discovers that as she takes on fifty-two friend dates in one year--her first year of marriage, nonetheless. But like a lot of people, I would welcome having more friends; you can never have too many. (Well, actually you max out at sustaining 150 relationships, according to research that Bertsche cites. The sociological/psychological research on friendship that she weaves into the narrative is very interesting.) I took notes as I breezed through the book (it's a really fun read), and this fall I'll start trying Bertsche's tips to branch out a little.
(And if you are in NYC and stumbled across this post, feel free to say hi in the comments. I won't think you're weird. If I learned anything from this book, it's that you have to put yourself out there and take some risks if you want to make new friends.)
14 comments:
I love a 4:13 aimless walk on a Sunday. Just sayin'. :)
Wow, I can totally relate to this and I live in a not-so-big city in Alberta. I find that I'm never at the same life stage as most of the people that I meet. They're either settling down with kids and I haven't yet arrived at that point, or they're still in party mode, and we're long past that point. It really makes it challenging to make meaningful friendships. Right now, the most meaningful relationships I have (not including those with my husband, my sister, and some out of town friends) are those that I've made through the writing community online. It's upsetting sometimes, but then I'm not sure I'm in the market for an 'inseparable BFF' as you put it. Long story short: you are so not alone in this. Thanks for sharing, Rebecca! It makes me feel a little more normal. :)
@Heather: :) Expect a text one of these Sundays, then!
@Jaime: Thank you for sharing! One of the things Bertsche talks about in the book is how nobody talks about feeling like they could use a few more friends--there is a real stigma against it. (Contrast that with how open people generally are about wanting romantic relationships.) It was interesting how many people admitted to the author that they felt the same way as her, but they never would've brought it up unprompted.
I am almost ashamed to admit this, but I clapped my hands together and said, out loud, 'oh my god, that sounds amazing' after reading the cover copy. Thank you for letting me know about this; it sounds too perfect for my needs right now.
150 relationships??? I'm not sure I even know that many people in total...lol
I've got a childhood friend that lives in the NYC area now and I always wonder if she and any of my online friends ever pass each other on the street.
Let me know if you want to hang, Rebecca! I totally relate to this, even though I have a decent number of friends in NYC but I definitely feel like friendships change as you get older and busier.
My husband and I are eventually moving to CT and I'm a little worried about how I'll make friends once we do. I should pick this book up as preparation! :)
I heard about this book a few months ago. What a great concept, I think a lot of us can relate. I moved to Chicago in my early 20s and it while I worked with lots of people my same age and had some previous connections, it was a really lonely time for me. My chicago friends lived in the far north end of the city, which to get over there on a weeknight could take 45 minutes to an hour. That's after 45 minutes to an hour taking public transit home from my job which was only 3 1/2 miles away from my apartment. That's one thing I don't miss from city living is how long it took to get everywhere.
Anyway, yeah making new friends in your later 20s is kind of a bummer. Most of my close friends have moved away. New people it takes weeks to set up a time to meet for coffee because everyone's so busy.
@Sophia: Hope you like it as much as I did! It really made me think about how my needs for friendship have changed in recent years, and what kind of friends I want/want to be.
@Jennifer: I realized once that I was living in the same tiny apartment building as a college roommate's friend, which was really weird.
@Ghenet: Definitely pick it up! And I'd love to hang out :)
@Steph: I love Chicago dearly, but the transit situation there makes friendship hard. I lived on the north side and my sister lived on the west, and it would take hours to get to her apartment. It's really kind of ridiculous.
And I totally know what you mean about plans taking weeks to come together! One of the things the author found in her research was how important spontaneity and regularity were to friendships.
Love this, Rebecca! It's so, so true. I definitely suffered with this in the Netherlands- most of the people in my program were not married/having kids yet. Then, being in a foreign country made it so hard to meet new people. I ended up joining a foreign women's club (sounds fun, right?) I was SO against going to that first meeting, but met some amazing people through it (and the food at the parties always rocked). We got really, really lucky when we moved to CT. A co-worker of my husband's suggested we meet this one couple, who are kind of the nexus of a group a socially-minded, fun, families with young kids. And we fell in with them. We also branch out through work, etc, but it has made making friends so much easier.
a) I think I need to read this
b) I definitely like the friend a week thing. I think I should try that with blogging. :)
Thanks for the recommendation, Rebecca! Have a great weekend!
I need to read this!
And yes to this: "Still, in her adopted hometown, there’s no one to call at the last minute for girl talk over brunch or a reality-TV marathon over a bottle of wine."
My childhood friends are in France and while I know I can call them up anytime, they can't come over and hang out.
Some of my besties are in the US which is an ocean way.
I met several girls at work that I absolutely love to hang out with but we don't live in the same city and with work and all it's tough.
And I've been in the place before, telling my husband: "I miss this and that, 'cause we could see blah blah..." I know he misses it too, the time we could just call someone up to play a game of poker or go for a drink. It's harder because of schedules and also because we moved back...
Anyways, this entire rambling comment just to say: "I understand" and "if you ever move to Mainz, give me a call!" :D
Aww, I totally want to check this book out now. It's so hard to meet people once you're out of college and have grown out of the whole bar scene. Also, moving is always rough on the social circle. If *I* lived in NYC, I'd definitely be your friend, Rebecca. :)
:)
This book does sound good! We've moved around a lot, so this subject has crossed my mind often. I don't actively seek friends but have been lucky enough to connect with co-workers and later with other parents...and I've made at least one super close friend wherever we've moved.
We had couple friends when we lived in Portland, but only because my husband knew the other husbands from college and work. We've never found couple friends since then...that seems like a whole other puzzle to me.
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